Sunday, 25 October 2009

Smoking Blues

Now I'm sure that just like me you all are keen followers of weed related news stories,
and you may recently have read about the banning of "legal-highs" following a young girl dying after mixing "Legal-GhB" with copious amounts of alcohol, (the only drug you are allowed to kill yu self with).
Now obviously that girls death was tragic but according to what I've read it was the presence of alcohol in her system that pushed her over the edge and I don't see them banning that.

Anyway, we've all got opinions eh,

Still yesterday I got given this. (thanks Sam)
Fake/Legal weed.
Look at it.
You're probably thinking "Now I don't know much about weed but I'm pretty sure it's not meant tot have bits of blue in it."
And yu'd be right.
Not even Blue-Cheese has any blue in it so why's it in my Fake stuff eh?

So if you smoke a lot of weed, in fact lets not mollycoddle it; if you've got a cannabis dependency then I'm sure that at some point you've found yu self in the position of having to make a stalk-spliff, where you collect all yu stalks up and chop them into little bits and just hope that the final remnants of TCH on these stalks might act like a boiled chicken cadaver and create some kind of metaphorical weed-gravy placebo-high.

Hopefully tricking your subconscious mind into thinking you might be stoned.

Well this was less satisfying that that.

I think that the blue bits were possibly ink-stained wood. because it tasted a bit like those rainbow Rizla that one of yu mates order off the Internet when yu 14.

All in all I'm pretty sure smoking it did me more harm than good

Saturday, 24 October 2009

Right, I'm Off.

So here it is in a nutshell,

On the 1st November 2009 I fly to Cambodia,
I have a
one way ticket.
I plan to be gone for a wile.

Basically I turn 30 in February and I'm planning to have become a man by then.
To do this I'm planning on completing a list of "rights of passage'

This list includes things like,
learn to ride a motorbike,
get a tatoo
wrestle a midget
be publicly naked,
eat something I've killed,
Saved someone's life,
smuggle drugs across an international border,
convince a stranger that I have tourrettes

If you have any suggestions for things I can add to my list then feel free to suggest them,

Anyway The Story begins Cambodia 2nd November.
It lasts as long as the money does but apparently it only costs a few pounds a day to live out there.

So here's what I'm putting out there.

The Buttons in the side heading of this blog
If you donate just 30pence every time you read this blog then I can buy one more meal in Cambodia.
Essentially what I'm saying is if you're my friend help me out and if you don't consider yourself my friend or more specifically if you don't like me, (I know you're out there), then look how cheep it is to keep me away.

I mean a 30p donation is a meal yeah

£1.50 is a bed for the night

but £60 (probably about what you'd pay an up-and-coming act for a 10 min spot) would keep me out of England for a month
thus gaurenteing that all you shit-brained promoters and psudo-high-brow wannabe industry fuck puppets can carry on yu mindless little watered-down championing of the average whilst continuing to suck on the swaggering balls of any new thing that rolls along just cos somebody who works for a magazine that only exists on the internet said that they were the next Lily Allen.

Might even be worth certain people getting together and putting in an Arts Council application see if yu can't get funding to keep me away from the scene on a semi-perminant basis eh.

Anyway feel free to donate as much as you like, If you don't donate fair enough that just means your indifferent to me and I'm surprised you read this far.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Look at this guy

Remember a wile ago I posted a video of a freerunner from Derby called Livewire
well this is his mate.
These lot are rudeboys.

Sunday, 18 October 2009

The difference between cats and dogs.

So I'm talking to this guy about like crowd mentality, the dynamics of audience response and social conditioning and that,
and he's like,
"yeah it's like Pavlov's cat."
(I think he got it off Hugh Dennis on Mock the Week)

I'm like
"what yonna bout mate?
Pavlov didn't have a fucking cat that was Schrödinger,
and that's a theory and not an experiment,
and it ain't got fuck all to do with this anyway,
that's about putting a fucking hypothetical cat in a hypothetical box with a load of food laced with poison.
Then following that it's obviously about the inherent speculative possibilities for the cats health.
Where as "Pavlov's Dogs" is about getting some actual dogs in an actual room.."

anyway as I was saying this his iphone rang,
He answered it so I kicked him in the shins.
I think I'm gunna follow him about and kick him in the shins every time his phone rings.
Should only take something like a week and a half till I bring him physical pain with a one-ringer.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

Roll Models

This is my older brother Raff

Because he's my older brother it means I was always supposed to look up to him.

That's pretty easy to do though
because He's tall
Like 6 foot 10 or Something.

once when I was about 13 and he was 17 I stamped on his groin wearing football boots, He had to have like 15 stitches in his nob.
Since then he's fathered 2 children
So there yu go.

He recently got a new motor bike.
It's the most powerful one available.

He also got the leather suit that goes with it.
Makes him look like a Marvel Super Hero,

If he was I'd like his name to simply be, BIG-MAN.

He didn't say where he was going when he left but he did say people were waiting and he needed to be there right now,
no time to waste.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was off to fight some crime with his friends
MY-MAN, NEX-MAN, UDDUR-MAN and The League of Extraordinary Genitals.

Friday, 16 October 2009


"Son of a bitch!"

Yeah you all know the expression.
Born of the American idiom this little beauty seems like it's part of your everyday life.
But let me ask you something,
have you ever actually said it?
and meant it?

Of course you haven't and that's simply because life isn't an American film rated PG13.

I mean if I was ever forced to invoke an Americanism to express my frustration with another human being then I'd chose "MotherFucker" any day of the week.

Still there's a certain power to the old S.O.B

and yu can't really say Motherfucker to people in shops when they don't have the right rizla.

So here's what I'm putting out there,
I'm switching,
give it ago yu self.

Next time yur in Gregsy's and the woman's giving it "we ain't got no stake bakes left, m'duck."
instead of getting caught up in the usual conversation about double negatives,
just drop it raw

"Son of a Bitch!"

check out how powerful it makes you feel, like Gary Busey

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

The first of many

this is the first of a line of new-style blogs.
Email posts.
Just set my device up to post directly to the blog.
Thus far I can't do anything about formatting so however this comes on screen is what its gunna be I'm afraid.
The reason I've done this isn't anything to do with lazyness its actually a matter of neccesetty.
All will become clear in the next few weeks.

Just seeing that it works

Sent from my iPod

Monday, 12 October 2009

back to scratch

So anyone who's a proper die hard follower of the old CompWeezy will remember the days of signing on.

Been a wile eh,
almost a real person for a bit there.

Although recently I've mainly been fulfilling my obligated time on stage/in school today I had to fulfill my obligated time in the Job centre.

once again they actually let me chose my own areas of potential work and once again I declined to change Dancer for Warehouse.

That day still hasn't quite come yet

Anyone that wants to come see me doing this for them selves is welcome to do so Dates are right there and it all kicks off bout 3.45ish depending on queues.

You might even get to see some other acts an all, when I went for my interview the other week I saw this guy in the foyer.

I think his claim had been denied cos he was saying that his legs wouldn't work until he got his money.
Security Guards had to physically carry him out and leave him in the street.

Cold eh

Different versions of the same thing



Saturday, 10 October 2009


Here's the finished video for Icarus by Sound of Rum.

Dog man the musical

anyone who's a fan of reading and has a big enough gap in there lives to care about what I say on the Internet may have had the experience of reading my story; Dog Man.
if you ain't read it that's a link and there's a link at the bottom of this blog.

anyway, if you crossed my path at Latitude festival, provided I liked the look of yu, then you might even have yu self hard copy of the actual book, (hold on to those only 200 made and they'll be worth loads of money when the allegations finally become public and my face is all up on the front page of the Daily Hate).

I recently had an invitation from universal badman and positive roll model Charlie Dark, (who I found out is actually the guy who came up with the I'd do anything to be on TV thing from 90's hypo-colour Terry Christian/Mark Lamar wank-off THE WORD, yu know, snog a granny/pube sandwich/etc all his ideas).

far as I was concerned it seemed like the perfect excuse to evolve Dog Man into a performance.
I added a musical aspect an all by creating loop pedal soundscapes via a stolen copy of Band on my cracked ipod touch.

I think on the whole it was well received.
I know Charlie and my friends Steve, Neil and Al all liked it.

I'm doing it again in Leeds on the 19th October for Sticks and Stones at strawbs bar,
so all you Northerners can see it,

then I'm doing it again at the Albany on the 31st November for Polarbear's night
and there may possibly be one in between some where in Leicester but as yet nothing is booked.

The story its self is something I am pleased with and it would seems as if other people like it too. It's the biggest thing I've done in the last 2 years and has made me think alot more about the kind of work I'm gunna be making in the future. Here's the link

Friday, 9 October 2009

One for the road.

We all know the connotations surrounding the number 13 and there's no way I can realistically come to the end of the summer on an unlucky-numberFest.
Thankfully coincidence has it that my mate Jim is getting married and his stag do took place at the bavarian celebration of booze that is Oktoberfest.
Now I'm not much of a drinker but there's no way I was missing Jim's stag do and adding one more to my Festival count was also a pretty good sweetener.
I took some notes on my hand held device during various journeys across the weekend so here they are unedited accompanied by some pictures from my phone for you to make of what you will.

So, right now I'm sat on a Minibus with nine other men,

on my way to standstead for my mate
jims' stag do in munich.

I only know four of the other nine, Jim, his brother Rob, Jack and Jon.
so this blog is about the five strangers.

first two name I learnt were gorden and kev.

Gordon is a dark-haired shifty looking man with what is probably an Irish accent,
he plays football with jim (the stag).

Kev looks like Jim, but really like him, i
he looks more like jim than jim does.
I think they know each other from uni but I'm not sure,

Oh actually I met a guy called Nigel earlier on,
don't know how he knows Jim,
but he sent me a text about getting a taxi together that I didn't reply to,
and apparently he lives near me.

right, number four Richard,
met him in the services,
he likes Beer Fest the movie and speaks with an obvious west mids accent.

Oh turns out Gordon's Scottish,

still the fifth strangers name illudes me but I think he's gunna be my favorite,
He's a
funny little man who looks a bit like a guy I used to know called shifty James,

I'm on the plain now never been on a stag do before,
little bit aprehencive to be fair.

Nigeal is somehow related to Jim, married to one of his step sisters I think,

Right we're on a coach between the airport and Munich,
and I think I just overheard the fifth man being refered to as max.

So that's the full cast.
Munchin is the place,
and it's a Stag do.

Right it's 5 days later and I'm on a coach back to the airport,

Now if you've never been to Oktoberfest then here it is in a nutshell,

All the women wear these dresses that make them look like the erotic dream of someone with a Disney princess fetish.

all the men are Italian, Kiwi or Aussie and all rock that lauderhosen check shirt look. (shodichun)

over the course of the weekend I have consumed more beer than I have in the last year,

at one point I arm wrestled an Aussie guy lying face down on the floor in the middle of Munich
he was surprisingly strong

I lost but Ewan (younger brother to the stag and actual man mounting), stepped up and redeemed our honer.

The next evening after a 11 hour sleep I was chatting to this kiwi guy called brad,

he kept saying how hungry he was and that he really needed some breakfast.
So I'm like you've got a bit of a wait and he's like
"Nar they serve from 7-10 so its only ten minutes eh."

It took me that ten minutes,
three outside opinions,
plus the fact that the sun was going down not up, to convince him
it was pm not am
he wondered off bemused and unable to work out if he was 12 hours ahead or behind.

there was also one interesting point later that night when we were trying to get into the lowenbrow tent
following rob the stags older brother being carried out by five security gaurds

the way we were having it was to stand at the side door and as someone came out we'd try and push our way in,

for a long time we were
getting blocked by a german guy who didn't work there but acted like he was in charge,

after a while we no longer cared about getting in only about pissing this guy off
by encouraging other people to try and sneak in.

This situation
climaxed when I held the door open from the outside,
he was unable to muster the strenth to pull it shut,

he then decided to try and be a hero by bashing my doorholding finders with the ball of his palm.

I took this opportunity to throw a full liter of beer full in his face,

as the door closed he stood inside drenched and flickinge the double bird
it ended his run as have a go doorman and soon after we just walked in.

Once inside we stayed for about five minutes then decided it wern't all that,
instead we went back outside to jear our new rivals.

Now I'd resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get any weed while I was here,

but last night I found myself sat outside the hostel chatting to a circle of Kiwis and Aussies,

I mentioned that it'd be nice to have a spliff and this Aussie girl called Andrea said she could help,

she invited me out on the roof terace to smoke the weed she'd inenvertantly smuggled in from Amsterdam,

lucky duck.

she didn't know it was illegal here.

For a minute I thought it might be the start of a story that ends with me waking up in a bath of ice, minus a kidney,

So me and Jim smoked a bit with her then Jim fell into a drunken snorefest of a sleep,
the man sounds like an angry bear,

I smoked the rest of Andrea's weed and bid her good night,
Kidney intact,

she says if I'm ever in melborn she'll introduce me to her dealer,
show me the best places to buy retro/vintage cloths.
So there yu go.

As far as my first stag do goes I think I've done alright.

We didn't do any of that fucked up shit to Jim and no one banged any prostitutes,

so a bit of a let down in the "this'll be like an american teen movie" department,
But as Jim said to me the other day,

As far as Oktoberfest goes,

Never need to go to that again eh.


Right yesterday yeah,
I'm in a bit of a rush on my way up the motor-way to go somewhere else,
and I've stopped at the garage for petrol and coffee,
as I'm coming out of the garage shop, (still in a rush),
I've come at the old AutoDoor a bit quick and it doesn't start to open till I get right up to it,
added to that it's not a slider like I thought.
It opens inwards,
forcing me to stop abruptly and do this funny little backwards walk to avoid being hit in the face by the automatic caution door,
must have added at least 4 seconds to my journey,
and if you apply the butterfly effect and I reckon I must have spent a potential 25 minutes extra on road as a result of this.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

End of an era.

So what started at Glastonbury inevitably has to end at Bestival.

and it's with a heavy heart that I tell you we have officially reached the end of festival season.

I'd not been booked to perform at Bestival but thanks to the benevolance of the Sound of Rum I was in as "the driver" all though I did no driving.

The Rum's had a gig and shit went off.
(thnks to Nadia for the photo's)

So that's it,
the end of the summer.
I managed to go to
13 festivals over over 12 weeks beating last years total of 9 by quite a distance.
Let's see if I can top that again next year eh.

Saturday, 3 October 2009


Now if you're a resourceful person who's not afraid of repetition then there's a good chance you can find a way to make money at a festival.

The other week I saw a 12 year old boy who would "light your cigarette for 50p."
Apparently he'd made upwards of 30 quid over the weekend.

What I'm saying is it's all about the numbers.

The one I go in for is is only possible at 2 festivals; the first is Latitude and the other is Electric Picnic.
I'm obviously talking bout collecting eco cups
See the way it works is when you buy your first bear/cider at the bar they charge you an extra 2 pound/3 euros, and they give you yu drink in a reusable high-density plastic cup that you can return for a full refund later.
Saves on litter and so it's good for the viroment.

I remember 2 year ago watching Scroobius Pip performing on the lake stage at latitude. First he got the crowd to wave there cups in the air, (like they just don't care). Then as he finishes "thou' shou't" he told the crowd,
"If yu like this then throw yu cups on the staaaaaaaggee!"

They must of liked it because for the next few moments the sky went dark for old Scroobs, as the sun was blocked out by a barrage of high-density plastic cups. Then there was a moment of talking amoungst our selves as he scooted about the stage collecting them up.
I heard later that he got hustled by the guy at the bar who refused to give him face value on the cups and instead palmed him off with a settlement offer.

Lecky-Picky yeah this is my cupping turf.

Last year I did 42 cups, that translates as 126 Euros, (right I cant work out how to access the euro sign on my keyboard, it's like 3rd option on the 2/@ key??)

So, Me and Andy Craven-Griffiths took it on like a job this year first shift Friday night.
I did 25 cups Andy did about 20.

Saturday morning we cashed them in and Saturday night we did the same thing.
Yu see the best place for cupping is wandering through thick crowds with a torch pointed at the floor.
What this meant was as well as making all those loverley euros we also got to see most of the musical acts.
Saturday I did 68 cups Andy did, 50
Sunday at the cup cashiers they weren't "accepting" the dirty ones and to be fair most of ours were pulled out of what can only be described as a quagmire of mud, booze and sputum, (brilliant word sputum).
So after about an hour and a half's worth of cleaning we cashed them in in batches of 10 over 5 or 6 hours.

During this time I managed to find another 7 taking my total for the weekend to a tidy 100 cups.

In case you're not a maths man that translates to 300 Euros.
Not bad eh, for what is essentially all terrain glass collecting.