So you
may or may not know
this but I turn 30 in February next year.
In preparation I've been compiling a list of things to do
before I hit the big 3 zero. In essence it's kind of like that bit in
300 where the 8 year old Leonidas is sent out into the wild and he can not
return till he's killed a wolf and become a man. Except in this case the list of
tasks takes the place of a wolf and my own 29 year old body takes the place of a
Spartan child. 1 of the things on my list is to smuggle drugs across international
borders, And as luck... would have it I was in Ireland .. this week for the Electric
Picnic Festival........................and last year I...................... really struggled to
get any weed................................when I was ....................... there so I figured
2 birds one...............................stone. Down............................with struggling
up...with ................................. smuggling. ................................. Now I was
going by ................................... plain and ....................................as far as any
self respecting............................. drugs mule .................................is concerned
the only way................................. to smuggle...............................anything on a
plain is inside yu! ......................Ok so I'd decided ....................I was going to take
a block of resin to............Ireland hiden up natures pocket. .......But how bigger block?
It had to be enough to last the duration and justify the invasion of Pirates bay but not
so big that it felt uncomfortable or tickled the old prostate. In the end I settled on half
an oz of squidgy black. My mate .....Dom had ........give me the low down on
how to get it in, 1, mold object.. into egg-.....shaped bullet. 2, wrap in
airtight plastic bag and smear with Vaseline, 3, wrap in cling film and smear in
Vaseline. 4, repeat stage 3 several times. The Vaseline makes it airtight and that's
important. So it's the morning of my outbound flight and I've just got one more
thing to do...... before I leave... the house. At first ....I started out fairly
gently but ....years of training.. my arse not to have... things shoved up
it provided ....too stronger natural...... clench reflex ......and I was unable
to crown. .....Times a waisting, .....only one thing for..... it. More vigour.
And so in...... the style of a .........busy commuter.... rushing
to top up ......an oyster card....... from a self ..service ticket
machine I... pushed that egg ......in the slot.... like a licked
pound coin. What I did notice as I did this is that
there's a certain point when yu back passage stops
trying to push foreign objects out and instead starts
pulling them in. I call this point Limbo. Now I
reckon whenever you find yourself traveling
internationally with contraband booty
in yu hold yu pretty much always
aware of it.
As my ...........................................................................................................journey
started I was........................................................................................ a bit worried
about it coming..................................................................... out when it needed
to stay in but towards............................................................ the end I was more worried
about it. staying in when............................................. it needed to come out. Either way
it was obvious limbo ...............................was only a temporary
home for this dirty............. little package. So to
cut a long short,..... I'm sat in the toilet
cubical at Dublin station wearing
one disposable glove and drinking extra
shot Costa coffee trying..... to lay what now feels
like a breach-birth dinosaur ....... baby. A bit of ugly grunting
and several sighs of ............................... .... relief later I've unwrapped
and discarded the........................ ............... ............................ soiled shell and
transferred the .................. ................................................................. prize to a new
container. All in ...................................... ............... ....... ..........................all a pretty
successful mission....................................... ............ .................................. Right now to
wash my.................. .................. ............................ .................. .................. hands.
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