More Shorditch Berkavitch

D'yu remember Quantum Leap?

Yu know where Sam Beckett (Not the play Write) jumps in and out of other peoples bodys to put right what once went wrong. 

Well every now and again I find myself thinking what if he jumped into me right now? I think that shit'd be too confusing for Ziggy and I bet Al'd give that remote control thing he's good a right good bashing.

Well anyway. Yesterday was a bit like that.

Dollop London's first birthday.

Pillers DJ Set.

Coops Smashed it.

I managed to get David J to come out. If you don't know David then click his name to view his page. The man's a stone cold genius. 


I met this geeza outside. His name's Kevin Powder. I know him off myspace init. He interviewed me and Sandy about famous Leggy folk.

Tell yu what though main issue I had with last night was the rudeness and arrogance of nuff of the kids in this rave. I had some girl pushing me like she wanted a fight, some dickhead kicked my booze over and about 50 mans all took it in turn to tread on my trainers. So let me just put this out there for any Shorditch kids reading now. 

Oi watch yu self yeah, cos I was being polite but next time I'll be knocking mans out. 

Yu know how sometimes they give stuff out in the street

yu know what I mean? Free stuff.
They do it alot outside stations in london at peek commuter times.
In the past I've got bottles of water, a miniture fan, cream egg bars, shots of espreso and one time I got a bag with a little packed-lunch in it.
Generally the stuff they give you sorts you out in some way.
I heard that Uni Qlo was giving out free long-johns yesterday but unfortunately I heard that today. So I missed the boat on that one eh.

Well anyway I had to go London yesterday morning and when I got into St Pancrass I could see they were giving out free stuff just on t'other side of the barrier.
Quickly though, just before that as I got off my train (standard class carriage),
I was walking down towards the afore mentioned barrier, when this power suited business woman was stepping out of the trains door further down the platform (1st Class carriage).
she must of been well over 6 foot tall in her heals and graceful with it an all.
Well as she stepped in front of me she used her hand to throw back her long blond hair and it floated in slow-motion and settled behind her shoulders
But I tell yu what yeah, she proper followed through with her hand and I had to bust a walking, matrix limbo in order to avoid getting clouted in the mouth.
She didn't give a shit eh. Doubt she even registered I was there.
Any way when I got to the free stuff turns out it was a shot of Bailies.
Not exactly what yu think you'd need at 11.45 am in central London.
I had it any way, took the edge off nearly getting knocked out by the apprentice and at the end of the day it was free, so what can yu do?

On the train home 23.15 I clearly heard the geeza announce that first class was coach C
So I figured I'd done alright cos I was in coach D but it was one of them half and half ones,
I sat in what usually should have been 1st class but I figured would be standard, cos of the whole coach C thing.
Turns out I can just fuck off. Train woman come up giving it all this shit about
"Can I see your ticket? It'll cost yu £40 to upgrade to this seat." Mardy bitch.
I had to go sit on that weird little seat by the toilets.
Couldn't even plug my laptop in cos of some bullshit about variable charge and the power socket being for the hoovers they use at the depo.
No one even sat in that other seat all the way back I went and found a different seat round about Wellingborough.
I found a Euro to UK plug converter in the socket by my new seat so thats alright eh.

It says for shavers only but I'm gunna use it for my hard drive. Plug manufacturers not the boss of me.

Sposed to of signed on yesterday but I didn't bother cos I was in the smoke eh.
Oh by the way if anybody actually reads this shit don't tell the giro people that I was working all last week cos they'll have me up about it init.
Anyway I belled them up this morning and they let me go in and scratch today instead, just had to show um some print outs some e-mails about my meeting.
There was like 30 people waiting and they let me just rock up and sign straight off, I was getting bare evils off nuff work-dodgers as I strutted out after 5 minutes.
Right thats it. I'm off. Gunna try and download the Bond Ultimatum.

Concave or convex, whichever way you look at it Curve is open.

So I've been doing this thing at Curve all week,
Quickly for those that don't know what Curve is,
If you've ever been to Leggy City Centre then I'm sure you know the G-Spot swingers club, (formally DieHard).
Right well yu know that thing opposite that looks like a new cinema or something,
Yeah?
Well that's Curve,
It's a proper fancy new Theatre.
Yeah a Theatre....
yu know for putting on plays and that. (Plays are like Films except performed live in a big room that's been specially made for 'um).

Well anyway, I've been doing this thing there all week as part of the promenade performance that is the opening event.

The piece I've been doing has changed a lot since I first performed it last monday afternoon.

The first big change was it original had integrated dance but the concrete floor in my designated area soon put the kibosh on that.

Next change was location. I was struggling to attract an audience inside the walls of Curve, partly due to the exciting and shiny new architecture of the building but also partly because I was directly competing with a troop of circus performers swinging around on trapeases/high-wires either side of my area. After advice from interested friends I moved outside the front door on top of a soap-box and timed the performance of the piece so as it's end coincided with the front of house opening time. This meant I had a semi-captive audience, obviously this worked a lot better.

I've now performed the piece 10 times over 7 days with varying levels of success. Every performance has been different and I've adapted accordingly.

Fittingly the piece itself is about change.

Here's the piece and some pics of me doing it.
I'm wearing a suit on the V.I.P night and the geezer I'm with is the architect, we are indoors.

Hopefully I'll be back at Curve in the near future, maybe all the way inside or maybe even on the stage.

Thanks to Neil, Ben, Steve, Melv and Jay for taking the pics, offering opinions and lending the box.

8 days ago......

That's when I wrote my last blog.

It's been over a week,

and I'm sure if anyone actually reads this shit then they'll have no doubt been missing the sporadic updates on the mundanity of my day to day existence.

Well yu in f'ra treat mate.

Cos this blog is the flashback episode.

Here's the last week.

Monday.

Berko goes Leeds.

Sticks and Stones-Poetry night run by Andy Craven-Griffiths.

I did alright yu know, 'sept for the walk from the train station on witch I was publicly heckled on several occasions. But to be honest the folk doing the heckling were some backwards looking sons of bitches to tell the truth. I mean nobody in Leeds even knows about pin-rolling their jeans.

Idiots.

Tuesday.

Berko goes London

Poejazzy-poetry/music/fancy meal hosted by PIP, (funny bastards)

this lot liked my combination of astute social observation and bastardization of the English language through the East-Midlands idiom.

Also check out this girl.

Gwyneth Herbert

She's a jazz singer and apparently she's always in the Sunday supplements.

I thought I recognised her from somewhere 

but I reckon I probably just came across her face in a jazz-mag at some point

Also Tuesday night was the Us election. "Change has come to America"

so that's alright eh.

Wednesday-Thursday

I was mad busy writing a piece for the Curve opening.

It's about the Leggy Moto. 

"Change has come to Leicester"

Friday-Sunday

Curve Rehursals

also check out No Fit State Circus

I've been talking to them about running away with um.

Monday

Pillers support Example in Leggy

Look I'm not gunna lie to yu yeah,

I had no idea what this geeza's music was gunna sound like and before we first met him I thought maybe he was a bit of a nob. But fair play to the lad by the end of talking to him I actually think he's an alright guy. Still not sure about his music but hey. 

The gig was 14+ proper operation Worthers Original, yu know what I mean. Anyway one 16 year old lad at the front chipped his front tooth on the barrier and wanted me to put my finger in his mouth to feel it. Yeah right mate.

Example watched our set and said that i should do stand up.

  I said I do performance Poetry it's like stand up but with more artistic merit, Stand up's too easy.

Here's a video of Example doing Stand Up.

also check out this artwork that Ben made in the greenroom.

That shit's Bananas.

Internet Credits

Right I'm trying to figure out how to put a counter on my blog.

That way I can accurately calculate my internet credits.

That way I'll know if I'm famous or not.

I'm sure you all know how it works.

Myspace plays, friends and profile views are 1 credit each.

5 YouTube Views is worth 1 Myspace play

Each Facebook friend is worth 2 on Myspace

5 Myspace Hits = 1 blog view

Then 20 Myspace credits is worth 1 hit on Google.

So 

Then if this number adds up to more than 1,000,000 then yu famous.

I'm hoping that my blog credits are gunna boost me that extra 800,000

External investments and Freestyle Jazz

I've been thinking,

Basically I need funding to keep doing what I do.

I figure what with the 2012 Lympics an all, Arts Council funding's gunna be a stretch.

So I've come up with another way.

Dragon's Den.

Here's part of my application  form.

Yeah I can see Pufeatus going in for some of that I just have to give him 45% of my blog.
Banging.

On other news I done a show last night.
Poetry-First one for a little while eh, (2 monthsish).

The night's called Tounge-Fu and it's run by a fella called Ventriloquist
I've never been there before and I didn't realize the format till I got there.

See I'd been told 2 sets of 15 minutes and I figured it it'd be me and a mic just talking, like the countless other nights of this ilk that I'd performed at in the past.

Seems it was all different. The 4 piece in-house Jazz Band would be accompanying my set.

First 15

This shit was crazy, Firstly I had to abandon my set list as it just didn't work with the band.

Secondly all my "Funny" moments seemed to not be in keeping with the Radio4esk audience.

I mean I told them how Gok Wan's from Leggy, just like me then I said about watching his show where he makes women take a photo of their least favorite body parts, (This was the set up and at the time it seemed like they were hanging on my words waiting for the punchline),

So I said "Yeah this one woman had a fanny that looked like a toothless rabbit trying to swallow part of a BMX innertube."

In my head ZING! 

The Audience SILENCE.

The kind of silence that has to be written in capital letters.

At that point I decided to just get on with it.

Second 15.

Salena Godden (Also Performing) had gotten me a wine and it took the edge off.

Also I was well past the rubicon and felt like it was going ok.

I even managed to get the Band to play Fuuk Party (Pillers Tune) and this helped satisfy my hunger for confusion within the crowd as I book-ended it with my two most serious poems.

Check out the Drummer Graham Fox -Badman. 

European Girls make the Best Cappuccinos

I don't know if you know me or not, but if you don't know me then there's something you should know about me, and if you do know me then there's something you no doubt know all ready. 

I drink a lot of coffee.

Yu know?

Today started at 7.30 when I woke up crawled to the kitchen and made my first coffee of the day.

Where:My house
Coffee:Nescafe blend 37
Made by:Me

Then I went through the Bi-weekly rigmarole of the job search process. 9 o'clock signing time.


Where:Charles Street Job Center Plus
Coffee:Not a drop
Made by:Nobody

After that I went to meet Ben and Dan as they started work. I grabbed a coffee on the way.


Where:Haymarket Costa
Coffee:Cappuccino
Made by:1 lad (English)

Then hung about for a bit met up with Dan and we went for a coffee.


Where:High-Cross Costa
Coffee:Cappuccino
Made by:2 girls (Canadian & some sort of European)

So I hung around in some shops for a bit then on my way back to the car I went to check my e-mails and sit down with a coffee.



Where:Ice Mango
Coffee:Cuppuccino
Made by:Dom

I briefly went back home then ran back out to the studio with Kyle via getting a coffee.


Where:Market Street Nero
Coffee:Cappuccino
Made by:2 girls (Polish & Japanese)

After that I had a quick meeting at Curve, but having arrived slightly early I had just enough time to relax with a coffee.


Where:LCB Depo
Coffee:Latte
Made by:1 lad (I think he was Scottish)

Final having finished my meeting on the way back to the car park I thought I might as well.


Where:Market Street Nero
Coffee:Cappuccino
Made by:1 girl (The Japanese one)

I'm home now and to be honest I think I'm gunna have a lie down.

Yu know the Smurfs.

Well I'll tell yu what I think.

I think they're racists. In fact I'd go as far as to say that they are the friendly faced cartoon depiction of the Klan. 

No? Have another look.

All looking very similar, dressed in white pointy hats apart from their leader. 

The Grand Dragon A.K.A Papa Smurf.

One blonde haired woman with whom they all breed so as to secure the purity of the blood line.

Still not convince?

Look at "the villan" of the piece

Gargamel

Need I say more?

Faster than a speed addiction.

Right check it yeah,

My life can get quite busy from time to time.

Sometimes I have to be in 3 cities in one day.

Generally on these days I don't have a lot of time to mess around.

As a result of this I tend to walk fast. And I mean Fast.

I put it down to a combination of my hectic schedule, my skinny legs and my powerful ass.

Thing that gets me is, 

today I was fast-walking down Oxford street and this homeless geezer overtook me like I was standing still.

WHY IS HE RUSHING?

Where has he got to go in such a hurry.

But it's not just him, it's an overall trend.

I seen it again when I got back to Leggy.

Imagine I'm superman proper chipping through the crowds when suddenly I'm overtaken by the Flash with an arm full of Big Issues a smack habit.

Running backwards so as to proper rub it in.

I reckon it's got something to do with Nike Shox.

Making noise and the Eastend

Pillers had another busy week this week.We went in Wong's studio for a couple of days to try and get some shit recorded. He's got some crazy touch-pad drum

 computer that Kyle used instead of a kit. It was badman.

Yeah we still need to go and do all the mix etc. Thing with us is we actually sound alot better with a lot of distortion/crackle so I wonder if it might just all be too clean.

Then we had a gig an all. Friday night at 93feet East on Brick Lane. 

So once again we were driving to London. I like to share something from the actual journey and this time my favorite other car was this guy.

We reckon his wife kicked him out because he'd been banging her sister/workmate and now he had to get all his shit out of her house. Unlucky pal.

The gig was all good 'cept they spelt our name wrong on the flyer and we were on about 9.30 so nobody was drunk and every fucker on Brick Lane's too fucking cool to dance of even make any noise. I told them they were pretentious status-anxious wannabe loser-twats and they seemed to respond well to it.

After our gig we went down to the Old Blue Last for Dollop featuring this weeks special guest MIA's new best friend and Lidl's most wanted Africa-Boy.

Possibly the worst live act I've ever seen. I mean that and I've probably seen over 2000 live performances. seriously this guy is awful. and the worst thing is I don't even think he's african he kept slipping into a thick London accent between tunes. 

Weirdest of all was the little gezza who came on stage with him but just stood at the back and didn't look like he was enjoying it at all.

I had a meeting/tour of Curve the other day.

It's billed as the most ambitious theatre project in Europe.

and I tell yu what, when it opens I suggest that everyone goes and has a look at the inside.

It's like a massive Art-Deco transformer.

Firstly the thing is massive. Proper huge eh,

and when you're inside all the exterior walls bend outwards as they go up.

Added to that most of the interior walls can be moved in at least one direction and the whole thing can be configured into multiple spaces and these spaces have the potential to change shape/size within a performance.

Personally I find this quite exciting for the possibility of creating site specific work there.

I like doing things within theatre that challenge the audience's perception of what to expect.

So if I do manage to wedge my foot in that particular door then expect your perceptions to be challenged.

A Poem

This poem is a colab between me and Kyle.

Maintaining composure in the last few moments of the gang-bang,

Sarah is glamourous, as they come.

Just a thought.

Yu know how they've got the Andrex dog, running about the place with toilet roll in it's mouth.

And then there's the Dulux dog, same deal but with a can of paint.

Well surely the next one is the Durex dog. 

Complete with a really pissed off owner trying to pull semi-digested condoms out of it's arse whilst looking after his 5 kids.

West-End Girls and East-Mids accents

Right 4 day catch up.

Wednesday.

Pillers go CALLING ALL TRIBES @ the Ghetto, LND's premier wednesday big gay night out.

Yo this night was crazy. It's run by our mate K-Tron and Buster Bennett.

It was a good night but I had a bit of bother with feed back in the fold back yu gets meh.

Added t'this I had to sign on next Morning at 9 in the am.

I was driving and managed to get home about 6ish so just stayed up and went straight in.

The whole thing was surreal.

Slept for the rest of Thursday with the exception of a few hours when I got up to chill with my nephew Dylan (He's 9).

Yeah we went t'the shop at one point and as we did I got knocked down by a Transit Van making an ileagel right turn out of a street opersit my house. Dylan was fine but man I need a massage.

Friday I can't remember so I doubt anything happened.

Saturday was WE GO PARTY

Pillers

Boy Kid Cloud

Le Couteau Jaune

"The Rape Cape"

Thanks to Sam and Abdul f'the Photos.

The Hitman and Her

Man I must have been like 8 or something when I first saw this show.

I knew Her was Michaela Strachan but It's only now when I look back at it that I realise 

the Hitman was Pete Waterman.

But most of all the thing I remember about this show was the dancing.

In particular This Geeza.

Now I know a lot of episodes came live from Ritzy's (Now Oceana) in Nottingham.

I lived in Notts for sort of 4 of the last 5 years and while I was there I was dancing at a competitive level.

Last night I had a revalation.

I think I know who that geeza with the white wig is.

I reckon he's my friend on Myspace.

I'll check it out and let yu know.

The other thing I remember about the show is that it wasn't very long and when it finished,

TJ Hooker was on.

Scratching on.

Yeah times are hard for Berko of late.

I ain't got no work on. I know what yu thinking, you'r like "What how can you not have any work on? I thought you were nearly famous, surely you've got loads of stuff on."

Well I ain't.

I actually asked a friend of mind who runs an employment agency for some work and he said he couldn't let me give up "the dream" by working for him.

Fair enough it shows that he believes in me.

Still,

What this means is that now I'm reduced to signing on.

and that ain't my dream.

My first one was week before last. Now it's 9am every other Thursday morning.

Job Centre Plus actually opens at nine so I get 5 mins or so of standing outside with my fellow signers. 

And I've noticed a trend.

I seem to have overlooked my signing on uniform, everyone else, and I mean everyone. Is dressed the same.

I need to get with the fashion. Apparently the hot look for work-dodgers this year is that grey's the new black. Every last one of 'um has this same look, achieved by mixing together 3 different brands of grey tracksuit and setting the whole thing off with a grey Stone Island or Next cardigan. I tell you what this Thursday I'm planning on taking some pictures that I can send to Gok Wan so he can feel as proud of being from here as I am.

I'll just finish by saying if anyone wants to give me a job then let me know and I'll fucking do it.